2006 to 2007 Continuosly Living

Unfulfilled Wish

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
This poem was a literary piece inspired by a friend who had been one of the closest I had since I came to LPU-Intramuros. This was published at the Journ class newsletter, "The Chronicle".
—————————————-
Unfulfilled Wish
by Kristine Marie M. Zorilla, Associate Editor
You were such a good friend I’ve ever had.
I was always inspired at the thought of you.
Your simple jokes did made me glad.
All the time, laughing together is what we do.
I couldn’t even explain why I feel safe with you.
Though I know, your heart belongs to her.
And the relationship lasted too long too.
Still I wait for the time, you’ll have me remembered.
I never asked to replace her position.
And I couldn’t make myself to be longing.
You always make your own decisions,
And you seemed like someone I will always be hoping.
It doesn’t feel like a loss to me,
Only after all, you just never see.
My wish was if you’ve felt the same way,
That I hoped, even as a friend you’ll still stay.
—30—

Sana ako si Supergirl

Friday, August 10th, 2007
 
I was really flattered that recently napag-alaman kong nakakatouch pala ako ng lives ng ibang tao without me knowing sa pamamagitan ng pagsusulat ko sa mga blogs ko. I was just writing what my mind and heart tells me pero hindi ko talaga alam na may nagbabasa pala ng mga to’. (Thanks for those who commented that I have touched their lives). I was flattered. Kung alam nyo lang.. that I was just like you.. that I’m just like anyone out there who cries and feels as if suicide is the only way to end my problems. Napipiga din ang utak ko. Sumusuko din ang pasensya ko. Umiiyak din ako at madalas na nagtatanong kay God kung bakit ako nandito.. sa lugar na maraming tao ang walang pakeelam.. sa lugar na marami ang walang kaluluwa.. sa lugar na ang pangalan Niya, ay katatawanan kapag naririnig.. sa lugar na ibang iba sa kinalakihan ko..
At many points in my life, I have told to myself that this is the end of my service to God. I totally give up.. wala naman akong napapala eh.. he’s using me pero in the end ako pa rin ang talo.. mahirap magserve sa Kanya lalo na kung susundin mo ang mga bagay na sinasabi Niya sayo na kahit isang side ay hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit Niya yon pinapagawa. Maraming beses na Niya kong sinusubok. Lalo na sa panahong sumusuko nako, pakiramdam ko lalo pa Niya kong idinidiin.
Oo, aaminin ko.

Hindi ko magawang magdasal man lang sa Kanya kahit 30 seconds. Pinakamahaba ko nang nasasabi ang "Lord, Thank You." at "Lord, Help Me!." Hindi ko man lang nga Siya magawang ikwento sa mga kaibigan ko at ang pagkakakilala ko sa kabutihan Niya. Hindi ko man lang din nga Siya naaalala kapag kasama ko na ang mga kabarkada ko.

Nagiinuman..
Nanonood ng mga pelikulang puno ng kasalanan..
Nagyoyosi..
Gumagawa ng kasalanan..

Nakakalimutan ko ang pagkakaibigan namin at ang tunay na pagmamahal ng Ama dahil sa sayang nadudulot ng mga bago kong kaibigan sa bago kong mundo. Nakakalimutan ko na ang maraming beses na pagsagip Nia sakin at muling pagbabangon sa mundo ng kasalanan. Makasalanan din akong tao. Marami akong nasaktan. Marami akong tinalikuran. Marami akong nakaaway. Naging suwail akong anak. Naging isa ako sa mga sapal ng mundo. Nagtarantado ako sa pag-aaral. Sumali sa kung ano-anong gulo..etc.. etc.. etc..

Pero sa lahat ng toh,

Sa Kanya pa din ako bumabalik. Sa Kanya pa din ako humihingi ng tulong. Sa Kanya pa din ako nagtatanong at umaasa. Sa Kanya padin ako nagtitiwala.. dahil sa lahat ng mga kalokohan ko, walang ibang iintindi at tutulong sakin kundi Siya. Si God.. Si Lord.. Ang Ama.. Ang Panginoon.

Hindi ko alam kung sa papaanong paraan ko ieexplain ang dahilan kung bakit ko nasasabi ang mga bagay na to’. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko din alam kung dapat bakong nagsusulat ngayon since lately nalaman kong marami pala ang nagbabasa ng mga blogs ko. Kung pakikinggan mo ang lahat ng mga sinasabi ko ngayon..walang sense. Parang kinukumbinsi ko lang kayo na wag kayong maniwala sakin dahil makasalanan ako at hindi ko tunay na kilala ang sinasabi kong Panginoon. Wala ako sa tamang katinuan para ipahayag yung mga bagay na dapat sinasabi ng taong biniyayaan ni God ng karunungan.

Pero sa totoo, kaya ko sinasabi ang mga bagay na to’ ay dahil gusto kong malaman ninyo na hindi pa huli ang lahat. Walang masama sa pag-aming makasalanan ka dahil kahit kailan, walang taong hindi nagkakasala. Kung titignan nyo lahat ng mga naisulat ko dito, aakalain ninyong sobrang buti kong tao dahil di ako nagkakasala. Pare-parehas lang tayong lahat. Nakapag-aral ka man o hindi. Drug addict ka man o pala-dasal sa Quiapo. Wala tayong ipinagkaibang lahat. Pero ang tangi mong magagawa ay aminin mo sa sarili mo na hindi ka perpekto at wala kang maipagmamalaki..pagpapakumbaba.

Ate.. Kuya.. Pare.. Sis.. Sino man kayong nakakapagbasa ng mga blogs ko ngayon, dama ko na may mga tinatago din kayong problema. Gustohin man nating lahat na maging si Superman, Supergirl, Wonder woman, Wonder dog o Captain Barbell, hindi pwede. Mahirap talikuran ang sarap ng pagcu-cutting lalo na pag nagkayayaan kayong magkakaklase na gumala. Mahirap pigilan ang kagustuhan nating magpa-unlimited text lalo na pag nagtext na si ehem.. Pero kung di mo pipigilan at poprotektahan ang sarili mo sa mga bagay na siya ding sisira sayo, may kalalagyan ka.

Alam ko, mahirap tawagin si God para humingi ng tulong. Pero, anupaman ang mangyari..Ama mo yun. Nasa bingit ka man ng kamatayan dahil sa sarili mong kagagawan, God will always be God. He who would never lay any harm to His children..Try mo lang, Trust Him..baka someday mapatunayan mo ang sinasabi ko.

What’s with Him?

Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
 
One Sunday afternoon when I attended a program to which I was a part of the music ministry. This time, someone who just came back after a long time of absence. Nasa bahay pa lang ako, sobrang excited nakong makapunta. I missed everyone: my ate’s, my kuya’s, my closest friends.. ang dami! Pagdating ko dun, I was surprised by the approach I had from them. Siguro, i was expecting too much kaya nadisappoint ako na makita na medyo normal ang reaction nila when they saw me coming.. akala ko naman, sobrang excited din sila to see me. I guess they were, only not too expressive. At nagulat pako na andun nga talaga si Vhyn..only to find out that he’s sort of having this mutual understanding with one of our sisters. Wow.. thanks a lot. I ended up rushing to get them away from my sight.. thinking as if they were strangers for the second time. At sabi ko nun sa sarili ko, I dont think I can handle the changes. Hindi nako sanay..

After a few days, I decided not to respond from any of their texts or calls for a meeting. Worst, i decided to take them away from my life. Jusy because I know I could never relate to them again.  Sa dami ng pagbabago, once they talk about issues, para nakong invisible. I still tried attending meetings, only having to experience the same thing again..being left out. Something’s just really telling me to come back that’s why i’m still trying, its the calling.

From the moment my mom taught me about God, lagi ko na Siyang nirerecognize. In every aspect of my life, Siya yung lagi kong tinatanong when it comes to decision making and such. And proven enough, He never left my side even in the darkest hours of my life. Even with the pain I’ve gone through with my ex, it was just Him who helped me to move on and takes things positively. It was Him who told me not to lose hope at all circumstances. It was Him who guided me when I tend to runaway from my service. It was all because of Him.

One of the things I really liked when I read Bo Sanchez’s books is that he keeps on saying that God is not responsible for the negative things happening in our lives. Some people blame Him for letting them experience pain and having the worst lifestyle on earth. Pero sa totoo lang, God gives you many choices. If your life is messed up, dont you think it’s your fault? Magbibigay ba ang isang mapagmahal na ama sa anak niya ng ahas kung humihingi to’ ng isda? God serves you everything that is good for you. We are the one making our lives miserable kasi tayo din ang pumipiling magpakagago when He offers good things naman. Isa lang talaga yun eh, mahirap magpakabuti kesa sa magpakasama. Oo nga, masarap ang mali..masarap ang bawal. Pero no matter how satisfying it would be to you, at the end of the day, you will still end up crying. Happy? I dont think so..

I am not a perfect person.

Nobody is.

I still sin and curses that jeepney driver saying bad things about me when I was asking about the fare.

But you know what I love the most about Him?

It is that no matter how sinful you are, no matter how unpretty or imperfect you are, He still cares for you. I’ve been running away from Him for so many times already. Having to make a statement that never will I ever go back to serving Him. Pero mahal talaga Niya ko eh, He keeps on calling me. I could tell my mind to erase Him in my life but deep inside, ang bigat bigat kasi all I really wanted is to serve Him..to carry the cross He carried..to speak the words He spoke..The Calling..

Right now, I still at the middle of a decision making to whether go back to SFC or not. I really wanted to serve at all the ministries in the family and even in doubt, I would still go for it. However, I’m looking forward to be a part of Lyceum’s Christian organizations. Service of God is my passion at kahit saan ka naman sumali, as long as your doing things to glorify His name, that is service already. Kahit nga yung magpakabuti ka lang, service na din yun eh. But for me, bitin ako dun. Sa dami ng mga binibigay Niyang blessings para sakin, kulang ang magserve sa SFC o magmission sa China. Kulang na kulang pa..

Kaya in return, I wanted to let everyone know about Him. I want to share the happiness He gives to me everytime I wake up in the morning and close my eyes to go to sleep. God loves you no matter who you are or what you have done to your life. He forgives. He listens. He showers blessing. He is our Father. No matter how hopeless you can be, just look behind you..YOU ARE NEVER ALONE..

We’ve got it all for you

Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
 
April 10, 2007

This was my last day at the company. Sabi ko nun, I wanted to be assigned sa loob ng dept. store para malubos lubos ko yung moments ko sa loob ng counter. I would totally miss every single thing i do in my work. I would miss:
  • Asking customers to sign the sales drafts
  • Monitoring the cashier’s work
  • Checking the supplies in the counter
  • Using the local telephone to call my neighbor counter
  • Eating at the counter (lagot! that’s forbidden)
  • Workstation with a ghost daw
  • Being assigned at the busy counters (Cashiers 24, 27, 29, 8, 12, 19, 18, Lobby B, Lobby A)
  • Cashier 26 (central station)
  • My supervisor’s : Ma’am Glenda (1CKS), Ma’am Jazmine (2CKS), Ma’am Nancy (3CKS)
  • DM: Ma’am Belen Sto Tomas (DM 95) Yikes!!!
  • Watching a movie at Cashier 12
  • Singing at the counter
  • Obvious chatting
  • Loitering
  • Vandalism in the drawer (writing : I love you ___)
  • Feeling "ngarag" kapag madaming tao
  • Incident Violation Report (company rules violation)
  • Customer Relations Report (security rules violation)
  • Audit Notification Slip (missing documents)
  • The Chrono Area
  • The Recreational Area
  • The Canteen (na paulit ulit ang food)
  • The Locker Room (bawal daw kumain pero puro balat ng junk food)
  • The Powder Room
  • MEEEG
  • SEED
  • Selling Area Powder Room for employees
  • Mall assignment
  • Jorge D. Malabanan (OH MY GOD!! HE’S CUTE)
  • Maja Lea A. Demapanag (yeah right)
  • Nelson Espiritu (2CKP) sigh..
Many times, dumating sakin yung sobrang ayoko nang magwork sa company nah yun. I felt like being my hands are cuffed and one move, im dead..So many times that I just wanted to run away from this world. Yung tipong nagsasawa nako sa paulit ulit kong ginagawa. Araw araw, you’ll be dealing with different kinds of customers. Merong bastos..merong mabait..merong walang pakelam sa trabaho namin. Madalas pa nun, wala lang kaming ginagawa sa counter kundi tumambay at magchatting. Tapos hindi namin alam, nasa likod pala namin si DM..whoaahh. magrereact nah naman yun.. "Oh, bakit hindi ka nakatali?!".. "Oh, yung make-up mo, para kang patay na ibuburol." 
 
Well, i couldn’t believe i survived 5 months in the company.. to think na wala akong kahit anong violation na nagawa.. Not even an IVR or CRO.. or ANS… wula akong lates at kung my absences man ako..it was an authourized one. Kaya nung napagusapan namin ng mga kabatch ko kung bakit hindi kami na-panel,well.. hindi namin maiiwasang hindi magkaron ng sama ng loob. Come to think of it, yung mga kinuha nila for panel interview eh yung mga may low performance.. Honestly, it’s all unfair. You gave your best and then no one will appreciate it. Tama lang talaga si Ma’am Chat (formerly 2CKS) when she resigned. Totoo naman eh, hindi masaya sa management. May favoritism..

Siguro, pinakamsayang part lang talaga is kapag sabay sabay na kaming lumalabas ng MEEEG. Dun nah kami nagiging malaya.. tapos na naman ang isang araw. Bukas, panibagong pananagutan na naman.. I would never forget the times na after work.. magpapapicture kaming lahat, tapos kung hindi tuloy kainan.. tambay naman sa videoke house. Tipong tatanaw tanawin mo pa si crush kung kasunod nyo ba o hindi.. tapos disappointed kang uuwi na hindi ka man lang niya kinausap.

Speaking of crush.. Oo na, sige na..aaminin ko na nga.. crush ko siya.. oo siya.. yung ano.. oo yun nga yun.. tama.. tapos ano sya.. oo yun nga..wala ng iba..

Just kidding.. yup, si Nelson.. he’s my crush. CKP namin sya. Everytime we run out of supplies, siya lang ang tatawagin ko. Everytime na maririnig ko ang "2CKP, to cashier 26 pls." haaay.. "it’s him." i would sigh.. What happened to us? Wala.. as in wala… he never had the guts to sak my number or likewise.. Kahit pansinan lang, minsan ako na umiiwas.. Because I dont want to be attached to him. Baka masanay akong sweet sya, pag sinagot na siya ng nililigawan niya, matapos ang buhay ko.. no…. just kidding. Of course, my certain limitations ang sweetness. Besides, what do we have ba? We’re just good friends.. nothing else.. Nakakainis lang, bakit kung kelan natapos ang contract ko, saka siya nagkaron ng lakas ng loob.. Ganun pa man, he’s just part of my memory nalang.. Knowing that partially, i enjoyed my time at the company because of him.

At ngayon na wala na ang MMSM sa buhay ko, i’ll just treasure everything i learned. I learned to be humble and to be patient. I learned how to deal with the realities of life when my co-workers share their stories. I learned how to smile though deep inside you wanted to kill that stupid customer who asked for a 14 by 24 size of bag only buying a small size underwear. I learned how to be strong when it comes to hurtful words. I learned a lot more things that are more important than the actual things taught at the COP training. Something worth remembering..

Today, I have a new life.. starting from the beginning again. Though i experienced a lot of things in the company.. i would still be thankful for being a part of SM Sta. Rosa. I would always remember that for once in my life, i stood inside of the counter and gave my best customer service..
For everything you have taught me, Thank you SM Sta.Rosa..

Unlearning

Monday, March 12th, 2007
After facing the biggest trials of my life, akala ko..kaya ko na talaga. Akala ko, sobrang naging stronger ako and I’ve already learned my lessons. Naging ok naman ako eh..it’s just that, parang pakiramdam ko..hindi ko natatandaan ang mga natututunan ko sa buhay ko. I end up doing the same mistakes again.. Instead that things should be better, I would still end up crying and blaming myself.. Bakit ba ganon?..
Lately, all I’ve been wanting is a stress free world.. I got tired of dealing with different kinds of people. Sa klase ba naman ng work ko, parang impossibleng hindi ka makaramdam ng iba’t ibang klase ng emotions.. galit, asar, saya, …iba pa. It’s hard to smile and say.. "Thank you ma’am, Thank you sir!" when deep inside gustong gusto mo nang sumabog. Sabi ko naman, I’m a very expressive person ant mahirap saking magtago ng emosyon.

Minsan gusto kong itanong, "What"s been happening with my life?" .. I get to choose all the wrong directions in life. Kasi may hinahanap pa din ako.. at pinipili ko yung ibang bagay dahil akala ko, kahit konti lang, makakaramdam ako ng saya sa mga bagay na yun. Unfortunately, it’s making all things worst. Hindi ako napapabuti.. Until now, aaminin ko, I still dont know why my past serious relationship would affect my life. Bakit hindi ko na magawang magtiwala sa ibang tao? Bakit lagi na lang akong suspicious? Bakit nang dahil don, pakiramdam ko wala nang lalaking talagang totoo magmahal?.. Minsan gusto kong pagsisihan kung bakit pa siya binigay ni Lord sakin. Nasira lang naman ang pagkatao ko at ang sarili ko ng dahil yun. I just dont want to blame Him for I know He gave him to me just so for once in my life, I would experience how to love and be loved.

Minsan din, naiisip ko, what if at this moment, God would take away my breath. Ang dami ko sigurong unfinished business..baka matagal pa din akong maglagi sa lupa non. I haven’t asked forgiveness sa Kanya. I haven’t said sorry yet sa mga nagawa kong pagkakasala at pagtalikod sa Kanya. Hindi ko nga alam kung dahil ba sa mga naging kasalanan ko eh matanggap pa Niya ko pag nagkaharap na kami. I never wanted to lose the right path, sometimes God just gives way to it to test me. Yun nga lang, I may look like the unbeatable fighter in life.. pero may kahinaan pa din ako. Ganun naman talaga diba?.. Walang fighter at soldier ang hindi natitinag at hindi nasusugatan. It’s a matter of being unable to fight again after healing the scar.
And maybe, I haven’t healed the scar yet. Akala ko lang magaling na, kaya pag sumabak ako sa laban, lagi akong natatalo.. I knew I still needed time to heal myself. Buti na lang at kahit papano, naprotektahan ko pa din naman ang puso ko. Because for me, it’s easier to heal the pain in the outside than in the inside. Stupid heart..

However, what I love about God is that when He knows na hindi ko na kaya, He’s always making a way to get me out of the situation. Kapag alam niyang weak ako na gumawa ng sariling desisyon between the right path and the temptation, He’s ruining everything just so I would have no choice but to let go of the wrong ones. Ganun siya katindi, He did it twice.. i’ve been in a pain for not following my heart’s desires, but It led me to the right path. And right now, I’m really Ok..dahil kay God..

Maybe, If I’m frustrated right now, it’s just probably because I know there was really something wrong that happened today. All that drama.. all that stupid lines.. all that scenarios with strangers.. Yun lang. But after everything, masasabi ko, Thank God He helped me to be free..Nawa samahan pa Niya ko sa tuluyan ko ng paglaya. Thank God He is my saviour!

Unlearning.. as a may be.. but that happened only when God wasn’t with me. Nung panahong nagsolo ako at iniwan ko Siya, saka ako napapariwara..saka ako hindi natututo. Ngayon, hindi ko masasabing natuto na talaga ako sa mga nangyayari, but I can proudly say na masaya nako dahil kasama ko na ulit Siya.. my only God..

Liar! Liar!

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
 
Lately..all i’ve been trying to do is t hide every single emotion i have. Kailangan sa work eh.. Yun tipo bang kahit asar na asar kana sa mga pinakamaaarteng costumers sa buong mundo, eh kailangan mo padin maging pasensyoso.. or else,costumer complaint ang kapalit mo..almost termination.. how funny.. Even if there are times that you really wanted to cry,hindi mo magawa kasi kailangan mong itago ang nararamdaman mo.. in other words,you have to lie to the world..

I realized lately,this is not me already.. hindi ako yung taong mahilig magtago ng tunay kong nararamdaman. Kaya nga ako nagMass Comm eh..it’s all about self expression. Kasi yun ang bagay na gustong gustong kong gawin sa buong buhay ko. To let all the people know who I really am..to show everyone my deepest thoughts about life.. to express myself.. and that is through Art.. art of making films.. art of writing.. art of painting and sculpting.. Emotional akong tao and that is how I can only express who I reall am.. This is far beyond what people think of me as they look at me..

A week ago..namomoroblema ako sa work ko kasi that company is a world where I do not really belong..Married people..talking about Sex.. talking about rumors and gossips.. things that aren’t into my liking. Ako kasi yung taong mahilig sa mga conversations that makes sense.. knowing someone’s insights, beliefs, and philisophies..and relating to them.. Yun ako eh.. This is who I really am..Full of dreams, full of happiness, full of inspirational thoughts about God.. THIS IS WHO I AM..

Along with that, me..joining K2GA clan was partially a mistake. All I wanted is to have many friends as much as possible. But it turned out wrong..I thought that I wanted to relate to these people pero mali pala.. Again, i turned out to be someone who I’m not. Hindi ako mabarkada sa mga taong inuman at kalokohan lang ang alam..and now, it got me and Kay as enemies. Ayoko sanang mangyari yun. Though I believe,may nagawa naman talaga kong mali..and I’m definitely sorry for whatever I did. Pero.. ano pa nga bang magagawa ko? Si Lord nalang ang bahala sa kanya..kahit na ganito kami,I sill know how to care for a friend.

Right now, If there’s something that really frustrates me..that is the thought that I cant hide what I really feel..gusto kong kalimutan ang lahat ng problema dahil kung hindi ko gagawin yun, What would happen to me? I’m the only person who can help myself..not anybody else.. Siguro lang,namiss ko yung may taong mageexert ng effort na makinig sa thoughts ko..Namimiss kong magkaron ng kausap na maiinspire din ako sa mga stories niya.. Sabi ko nga,paninindigan kong wala akong boyfriend..at nagagawa ko naman,pero minsan pala..nakakalungkot din maging magisa..lalo pa ngayon,all i’m at is my work and at home..as in totally single..i dont even have a suitor..Ano ang katotohanan? May times lang talaga na parang nararamdaman kong gusto ko ulit magmahal..Kasama naman talaga yun. Tao lang tayo at hindi natin maiiwasang maattract sa ibang tao..un nga lang, does that person deserves your love?..

Isa pa kasi sa mga realizations ko eh ang purpose ko.. God told me.. I am created to spare love and be loved. And of course, undying service for Him.. Kung aaminin ko ngayon ang mga tunay kong nararamdaman..sasabihin ko talaga..I’m still inlove with that one person. Yun ang totoo, pero this time, I’ve alread accepted the fact that right now, our story is over. No one knows if there is another sequel. Bahala na si God. Ipinagkatiwala ko na siya sa Creator..hindi na ako ang may hawak nun eh..

Liar! Liar! All I’m talking about is being real to yourself.. showing who you really are..showing what your true emotions are..sometimes its sucks to hide eveything underneath your heart. But you cant escape it. It’s better that you became the real you than having regrets. Coz pain would last for an hour..but regrets lasts a lifetime. Ganunpaman, not at all being true to yourself is good..my certain limitations padin. Are you hurting anybody naba?.. Be true to yourself but be sensitive to the people around you.. easy enough..

 

Where’s the magic?

Friday, November 10th, 2006
 
It’s been a more than one sem and yet..I havent fully taught myself to forget about the past and move on with my life..ang hirap pala ng ganito. You tried everything and yet, you haven’t fully completed your recovery after a storm. Ang hirap pala magmove on without looking back from the past. Kaya nga here I am, ngayon lang ako nakakagawa ulit ng solusyon.. nakukuha ko kasing pumasok sa mga relasyong hindi naman worth my love. Why?.. Just to cover up yung past ko. See?.. pati dumbest things on earth,nagawa ko na para lang mabuhay ng wala na sa anino ng kahapon… All i wanted, is to go on with my life na hindi ko na mararamdaman yung hurt, I was really traumatized. At ganun pala pag natutunan mo na siya, hindi ganun kadali makuha..hindi rin ganun kadali makalimot…

Pero, sa totoo lang? Mali ba talaga magmahal?.. I think not, kasi nagmahal ka lang..Kasalanan ba yun? Eh kaya ka nga binigyan ni GOD ng buhay..kasi para magmahal.. as what they all say, "Mabuhay para magmahal, at magmahal para mabuhay".. Totoo naman eh, I guess masasabi ko.. yun na ata ang purpose ko. God has given me many choices..hindi totoo na may isang taong destined para satin, kasi lahat naman eh pinili natin.

I chose to fall in love that time kasi yun ang deepest desire ko. And sa lahat lahat ng mga nangyari, I realized, wala akong regrets kasi kahit papano, naranasan ko ang magmahal. Once lang darating sa buhay natin yan, though it ended really bad..wala akong pinagsisisihan..masaya ako sa mga naging experiences ko and if I never had the chance to experience it, I wouldn’t learn.. I wouldn’t grow.. Kaya kahit papano, kahit traumatizing ang mga pangyayari sa buhay ko, I’m still thankful.. and I would always know how blessed I am.. ang dami ko pala talagang blessings.. kahit ngayon, na wala akong lalaki sa buhay ko kundi ang kapatid at tatay ko..kasama na ang SFC community.. sobrang ramdam ko talaga na loved ako..lalo na ni GOD!…
Ngayon, God is helping me to teach myself to unattach myself from the things that should not be the orbit of my life. No suitors.. No boyfriends.. My friends are not even around me at this moment.. Si God lang talaga kasama ko.. and this is my battle..the battle against temptation.. the battle against my own emotions and weaknesses.. With God behind me, patutunayan kong indi ako mahina at kahit hindi ako nagaaral, the wisdom He has given is more than enough kesa sa mga books na inaaral sa school.. I’m still proud I have this life.. I’m still proud that I’m happy even though materially,wala ako.. I’m still happy kahit na wala akong boyfriend..

Love?.. ayaw lang talaga ni Lord na magkaron ako ng relasyon ngayon kaya kahit kanino ako mapalapit, He would take that person away from me. And I graciously accept what He wants me to do. Kasi nga naman, if I still choose to fall in love right now.. ganun pa din,magtatapos pa din..kasi hindi tamang panahon..I’m only 19..there’s more to come.. basta sabi ko naman kay Lord, save the best for last..Kung sa panahong handa nako ulit na magkarelasyon, at makita ko na yung taong karapat dapat na makasama ko in my married life..then,saka na siguro. Anyway, sa ngayon?.. sino pa ba ang worthy?..wala na akong makilala…
I just hope to meet this man, na mamahalin ako gaya ng pagmamahal niya sa sarili niya. This man who will help me grow, and is very emotionally matured. This man who needs not to own a car, or a yearly trip abroad, gusto ko lang..mabuti syang tao, he respects and loves me for who i am. This man who would be listening to all my thoughts and yet,would give me a positive advice.. He needs not to be perfect,ang importante lang din.. God would be the center of his life..

And if this man comes at the time na ready nako.. hindi ko na siya papakawalan. I’ll make sure that I’ll be giving him the right treatment. He would have me as a matured girlfriend na totally,walang childish acts. But until that time, single muna k and I plan to be one til the right time comes…

Dream vs. Reality

Thursday, June 29th, 2006
 
When I took Mass Communication as my course in College.. sobrang nasa isip ko lang nun is .."I want to be a movie director someday. I want to create films na pwedeng ilaban abroad..".. That’s just it.. Yun kasi ang dream ko, I really wanted to be a part of a film production someday. Even to write a story lang na gagawing isang movie.. Grabe,, I feel like I’ve already completed my mission on earth.. My dream.. To create films and touch lives..

Somehow, I felt disappointed nung nagdecide ako na ako na lang ang titigil nang studies between me and my brother. Gusto ko kasi talaga mag-aral eh.. gusto ko nang makatapos para makapagwork nako at para naman matulungan ko na rin magulang ko.. isa pa, I really wanted to pursue my dream lalo pa at ngayong may nakilala akong film director na friend pala ni papa.. He’s just the type of person I want to work with someday.. Ngayon,, stop ako ng studies.. I chose to stop para sa mas malaking job opportunity.. and I realized something…

Masyadong malayo ang agwat ng dream ko sa katotohanan ng buhay.. Because the reality is mahirap maghanap ng trabaho sa panahon ngayon.. Para sa aming mga Mass Comm students na media lang ang inaasahan para makapagtrabaho.. well, ngayon pa lang.. to tell you the truth… sa dami ng graduates na masscomm sa mundo.. 1% lang makakapasok sa media dahil sa taas ng standards ng mga broadcasting networks.. At kung call centers naman ang paguusapan.. it doesn’t only mean na marunong kang magsalita ng English.. the thing is,, are you good enough para sa company nila?.. You need to be perfect in how you speak to different kinds of people.. your pronunciation.. your grammar.. and such.. hindi lang yun.. bukod sa DAPAT MAGALING KA TALAGA SA ENGLISH LANGUAGE.. dapat din,, convincing ka.. di pala uubra yung marunong ka lang.. in other words.. dapat magaling ka!.. Yun ang standards ng isang top call center industry.. And those top call centers I’m talking about are those who’ll give you around Php12,000 na earnings per month.. what a career!.. leche.. after 4 years of studying.. you’ll just fall in call center career lang.. you could’ve stop studying na lang kasi kahit undergraduate eh tinatanggap sa call center as long as YOU"RE REALLY GOOD!.. 

Anyway, I just realized na dapat pala talaga.. when you’re going to choose a course for college.. think twice.. yun ba talaga gusto mong kunin?.. Or just look at the realities of life.. after 4 years of studying, what will you get?.. Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, it’s hard to find a job na kung saan mo talaga gugustuhin.. not in the media.. not in the performing arts… baka mamaya.. nasa pabrika ka lang pala..

Dream versus Reality, which one will you choose?..