A Heart's Night... Part 2

"Don't ask me.
You're the one who asked me on a date.
You should know where to take me."

"You're as beautiful as they are." He made me feel at ease with those last words he just told me.

Still hesitant, I had to accept the flowers. And I still couldn't imagine myself being in a date with a guy, as a couple and with a bouquet of flowers.

This is effin' ridiculous. Nabanggit ko na lang sa sarili ko.

But then again, It would be very harsh of me to just reject him like that. At kahit papano, kahit uncomfortable para sakin, I had to accept the flowers. Ayoko rin namang sirain ang araw na toh' kahit na para sakin, Valetine's day is just one big heck of a joke.

"So? shall we?" He asked me. I nodded and followed him.

Lumalalim na ang gabi. Dumadami na rin ang couples sa paligid. Lalo akong naiilang but I'm trying me best efforts to be very OK and sweet to him. I'm trying to make myself romantic. Just so I could relate to him.

Palakad lakad lang kami. Paikot ikot sa buong area. Nagkkwentuhan pa rin kami and just merely enjoying the place. Napansin pa naming may free concert si John Ford Coley, though medyo konti ang nanonood, ayos na rin.

Out of nowhere, biglaan pa kaming tinapatan ng isang lalaking may hawak na malaking Sony HDC-1400R HD portable studio camera. Itinutok niya sa amin ang camera at inilawan pa kami. Yun pala, kinukunan kami ng crew ni Gretchen Malalad para sa news report niya. (Kung nanoood kayo ng balita ng madaling araw, malamang nakita nyo kami.)

Nagdecide na kaming kumain since gumagabi na. Nagpaikot-ikot kami sa buong area para humanap ng restaurant na masarap kainan. Sa dami ng choices, parang hindi na rin niya alam kung saan ako dadalhin.

Dito, nagsimula nakong mainis.

Napansin niyang hindi na maganda ang mood ko. Kaya para lang mapakain na niya ko, pumili na siya ng malapit na restaurant sa paligid.

"Ano? Dito na lang tayo?" Tanong niya sakin.

"Ewan ko sayo. Don't ask me. You're the one who asked me on a date. You should know where to take me." Naiinis ko siyang nilitanyahan.

Alam kong hindi na rin siya comfortable since inaatake na siya ng Dyspepsia. Pinili na naming kumain sa Stackers Burger Cafe. Sa puntong ito, medyo irritable nako dahil ramdam ko na rin naman ang pagod sa paikot ikot lang na lakad namin thinking na nanggaling pako sa trabaho.

Medyo gumagabi na rin naman noon kaya hindi na rin namin maiwasang madaliin ang "romantic" date sana namin. Ang backfire pa, medyo mabagal ang service ng crew dahil na rin sa dami ng tao.

He ordered chicken while I ordered burger. It turned out to be a casual dining experience for both of us. Afterwards, we've both decided to go home. We took a cab going home to our apartments. Epic fail pa nga ang taxi ride namin pauwi dahil nagkamali ng nilusutang kalye yung taxing sinasakyan namin.

I got home having the three fuschia pink roses with me. But before the night ended, he confessed to me that during the time he was offering me the flowers, people were staring at him. Napahiya daw siya though OK lang daw sa kanya because he fully understands how I feel.

Ako naman ang na-frustrate.

I guess I've been a bit harsh about how I over-reacted. It's Valentine's day. People give each other flowers. It doesn't have to be romantic at all. Sheesh, I've just been a bit bitchy.

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It was our first Valentine's as a couple.. again. I guess the general rating as to how it ended that day will be a total "It sucked" day. Hindi yun dahil lang sa hindi siya prepared or dahil maraming failure sa date namin.

I guess the reason why it wasn't-so-romantic is because we both sucked at being romantic. He tried to do efforts thinking as if this or that is enough. I refused to cooperate. I refused to appreaciate and incorporate myself with anything happening that day. I have declined allowing myself to be expressive because I have been afraid to give more and receive less. For that, the words are "afraid-not-meeting-the-expectations".

On his part, I could say that it is pretty obvious that he had no plans. That he didn't even thought of doing anything special for us on that day. He had to chose to just let it pass... like any other couple celebrating the same day. Pero sabi ko nga, hindi ibig sabihin na napuna ko yung mga bagay na yun eh hindi ako masaya.

Naging masaya ako. I just never thought that it is how our Valentine's day would end up. I was sort fo expecting more... sana.

But like a popular line, I can just always say "It's Epic Fail."

On the other side, kahit frustrated ako, I feel so much guilty that I acted that way. In this case, (in which I know he's contantly checking my blog for updates), I'd like to let him know that I'm sorry.

I don't intend for it to happen. At the same time, I'd like to say "Thank you" to him, for trying his very best to make that day work out. It may not be the best, but I appreciate the wonderful experience.

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A Heart's Night at Eastwood City

"Did you get my point?" I asked him.
"I totally get what you mean.
You're just trying to make it sound nice, kaya ka nahihirapan."
He said.

This is kind of a bit late to tell.

But I guess there is just no point in keeping it anyway and it definitely sounded bizarre for anyone engaged in a romantic relationship. Specially for a woman.

This is entry of my thoughts regarding Valentine's Day and why I highly believe that men finds this day threatening to their lives. But before I give my explanations, let me tell a story about something that happened on Feb. 14:

I just got out of the office. Kagaya ng dati, naglalakad nako papunta sa terminal ng bus para sumakay pauwi. I saw him coming from afar.

Kinakabahan ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaction ko kung sakaling magbigay siya ng roses o salubungin niya ako ng isang surprise.

Nagkalapit na kami. Like the usual, he was just carrying his bag, wearing a T-shirt and pants as if he just got out of the school. Parang normal na araw lang. And to my disappointment, wala naman akong nakitang kahit anong bitbit niya. Walang roses. Walang box of chocolates.

OK. So wala talaga siyang plano. I thought.

"Hey", bati niya sakin.

"O tara, uwi na tayo." Niyaya ko na siya. Pero deep inside nandun na ang disappointment.

"Tara, let's go to Eastwood city." Ako naman ang niyaya niya.

"Ha? Bakit?" Tinanong ko naman siya.

"Wala. It's Valentine's day and I'd like to ask you out on a date. Will you go out with me on a date?" Niyaya ulit niya ko.

"Sure ka? I mean... the money. Tsaka bakit?" Makulit nako. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong reaction ang ibibigay ko sa kanya.

"Kasi nga it's Valentine's day. And I'd like to ask my beautiful girlfriend out on date. Will you go out with me?" He was patient on convincing me.

I stared at him indifferently, as if he was making a ridiculous move.

"O? Bakit parang indifferent ka?" He asked me.

"Hindi lang ako sanay. I'm just used to not celebrating this day. Hindi ako comfortable na makit ang sarili ko na may kadate pag ganitong okasyon." I explained to him.

"Ganun. O sige kung hindi ka kumportable, edi wag na lang siguro. Uwi na lang siguro tayo. Ayoko namang yayain kita tapos ayaw mo naman. Hindi ka kumportable." He said.

"I'll be fine. It's just that I need a few minutes to get used to this. I'll explain to you later. Hindi naman ibig sabihin nito ayokong lumabas tayo eh. I'll be fine." I assured him.

"Sure ka ha? Sige, lets just wait for a taxi." He then looked around and waved to taxi.

We took the ride going to Eastwood city and arrived there at around 5:30 PM. Inconvenient na ang pakiramdam ko. Nasa taxi pa lang kami, ayoko nang tumingin sa paligid ko. Lalo na, when we got to the mall.

Unang sumalubong samin ang vendor ng mga flowers. And I just can't seem to look at them. I was still at this state while he comfortably holds my hand as we stroll around the mall.

Patingin tingin lang muna. Paikot ikot. Then we've decided to transfer to the other side of the mall just close to the building. Nagkkwentuhan naman kami. I just really feel uncomfortable and I'm professionally hiding it from him.

Nagsisimula nakong makakita ng maraming couple sa paligid. Maraming guys na ang dumadaan na may malalaking bitbit na bouquet of flowers and roses. Marami rami na ring couples ang kasabay naming umiikot at nagsstroll sa mall. Dahil diyan, lalo na akong nagsimulang mapraning.

We both got hungry so we've decided to have a light snack since it was still too early to have dinner. We ended up having hotdogs and sat at one of the nearby benches.

Dito nako nagsimulang magexplain.

"Here's the thing. I'm just not used to celebrating Valentine's day. For me, it's just like one of the usual days. People are just making a big deal out of it." I started.

"So ibig sabihin, you don't find anything special going on this day? I mean, etong date natin parang walang special?" He threw me his first question.

"I do find it special. Special kasi, this is our first time together in this place. And this is something we always enjoy. Discovering new places, eating out on new restaurants, and just having fun." I said. "I've always enjoyed company with you. I imagine this date like one of the dates we would usually have."

"So wala ngang special? Kasi sabi mo it's like the usual dates we always have." Nagsisimula na siyang mangulit.

"It is special kasi bagong place. I guess I'm just shrugging off the thought that there has to be romance when I know there will never be something romantic that will happen. But even if there are no romantic things, it doesn't mean I won't enjoy it." Ako naman ang nagsisimula nang mag-explain.

"So it appears na fault ko yun...." He wasn't able to finish because I had to say something.

"No, I'm not saying that it is your fault. There is no one having fault on how I see this date. I just really want to shrug the thought off my head. I don't want to feel there should be something romantic that must happen tonight." I'm explaining again.

"Why do you feel that way?" Tuloy lang siya sa pagtatanong.

"Kasi, I tend to stereotype men when it comes to Valentine's day. Parang most men would do something different for their girlfriends specially during this time of the year. I mean different like surprises or something romantic like the girl will never ever forget. It's something unrealistic and I know will never happen to me. I tend to feel bitter and miserable kapag naiisip kong never ko mararanasan yun while there are special girls who deserves to experience those. I am not that special so it would not happen at anytime in my life." Hindi ko pa kumpletong explanation.

"You are special to me. Because you're my girlfriend." He said.

"I know. But, here's the thing. Para lang tong A Christmas Carol Story. There was a person who hated Christmas and is full of hatred and anger. He hated anything representing the festivity. Parang ganun lang ako pero in a different way. I'm OK celebrating Valentine's day. It's just that I don't want to incorporate myself into being included in those who celebrate with romance. I have always celebrated this day with my family and friends. But not with a guy or as a couple. I've been that way ever since and I'm used to it." Dagdag ko pa sa malabong explanasyon ko.

"OK, I think we're at the same page. Just stop explaining kasi nahihirapan ka na eh." He convinced me. Pero hindi pa pala siya tapos. "I guess I just want to say sorry, that you don't feel anything romantic with this."

At napa-explain na naman ako. "No, don't say sorry. It's not your fault it's because of me. I don't want to feel that today is Valentine's day and I don't want to feel that I should be experiencing something romantic. I'm fine with it. I'm used to it. Did you get my point?"

"I totally get what you mean. You're just trying to make it sound nice, kaya ka nahihirapan." he said.

"I just don't know how to explain it." I sighed.

"So, you don't see anything romantic with our date tonight?" He asked.

"No..." I said in lower voice.

"Ok. I guess we should just stop talking about it. Kasi nahihirapan ka lang din mag-explain." He calmly told me and closed the conversation.

"So shall we stroll around na?" Niyaya ko na siya.

"Sige, kaso I badly need to go to the CR. Wait up for me here." He said.

"OK." I said back as he went away to look for a CR. I just grabbed my phone and put on the headsets. I started browsing through the songs and listened while waiting.

There was something in me telling that he's got plans of doing something. But deep inside, I'm saying "Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it."

And then he came back... with a bouquet of roses with him.

Napa-irap ako and I felt devastated. I felt like I made him feel that he should buy me flowers when I actually don't intend to make him look at my explanations that way. I felt desperate. I felt pitiful. I felt mad at him for making me look like I'm a kid crying out so he could buy me what I want. And I totally had to react differently when he gave me the roses.

"Happy Valentine's day Hon." He went down on his knees and handed me the roses.

Devastated and uncomfortable, i did not accepted the roses. I didn't even looked at him and frustratedly said "Bakit ka bumili ng roses? Ayokong tanggapin yan. Ayoko ng bulaklak."

"Bakit naman? These are for you." Inaabot pa rin niya sakin ang roses.

Napadabog ako at iniiwas ko ang sarili ko sa kanya. "Ayokong ng bulaklak. I told you don't do anything like this. I don't want flowers and I don't want to associate myself with Valentine's day."

Disappointed, he said. "Well.. I could always throw the flowers na lang if you don't want them."

"It's just that, why did you have to do it. I didn't want flowers and I told you, I'm shrugging off the romantic thoughts. Hindi ako dapat makareceive ng mga ganito." Naiinis pa rin ako. Pero I can't keep myself that way.

He's trying his best to be gentle to me. "But for me, you deserve them. You're special to me and I'm giving it to you because I love you."

He was just so patient and understanding that just the look from his eyes made me accept the roses. I took it out of his hands and asked him. "Bagay ba sakin toh'? Hindi ako bagay sa flowers eh."

"Of course you are. You're as beautiful as they are." He made me feel at ease.


... to be continued.



- chagadelic gurl -

Happy V-day!

"Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."
~ Jay Leno

Hi guys! Sorry I've been so much busy for a while.

Napadaan nga lang ako eh... on my own blog.

Well, I just dont want to skip this day without having to greet everyone a Happy V-day!

I know, "V" can stand for a lot of meanings. And yes, today is the time of the year when most men feel like its the Judgement day.

Since I really need to run now (I'm stealing away a time here in the office), I might as well just continue with this post within the coming days.

And maybe, I'll be able to squeeze out more thoughts about this day.

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But for now, I'm just leaving this post with a greeting...


Happy V-day Everyone!


...to be continued.



- chagadelic gurl -