What a wonderful world!

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. " ~Norman Vincent Peale

Today is our last day in the office within the week.

Bukas ng gabi, Pasko na. And I'm starting to feel this little excitement in me. Para akong batang excited sa gift ng ninong at ninang ko. Para akong batang iniimagine na kung magkano ang mapapaskuhan ko. And I'm glad, this time of the year, I felt the Christmas presence.

Last year was pretty much unlikely dahil nasa trabaho ako.

December 24th. My shift back then was 7PM to 6AM. At nasa Manila pako nanggaling nun because I was previously renting.

Like the usual, I woke up at 4PM to get myself ready for work. Sabi ko pa sa sarili ko, tanggap kong hindi ako magpapasko sa bahay. "At least, tonight will be a double pay plus the night differential will be a glam!"

I went out of the room to go to the CR. Narealize kong parang haunted ang dorm dahil ako na lang pala ang tao sa fourth floor. Ate Grace, the dorm's landlady, and her family were the only people left in the building and they weren't even in the fourth floor.

So I took a bath. Dressed myself up. And left the dormitory to go to work. Iniisip ko kasi, traffic ang aabutan ko kaya inagahan ko ang alis. I left at about 5:30PM.

Nagulat na lang ako sa naabutan ko. Walang tao sa kalsada. I felt this sudden sadness because I really wanted to be with my family. But I had to shrug the feeling away. Dahil naisip ko, kung magpapaapekto ako. Lalo lang akong malulungkot and I won't even be working for an 8 hour shift. I will be working for 11HOURS! ... and its definitely lame.

When I got to the office. Nagulat akong marami pa rin pa lang taong hindi magpapaskong kasama ang mga pamilya nila. Maraming may shift nung gabing yon. And siguro, isa sa mga nagpasaya sakin that night is the 'almost unlimited food'.

Napagkasunduan kasi ng mga tao sa office namin noon na magchip-in na lang ng pagkain. At least, even being in the office still, we will all dig in to yummy desserts, pansit malabon and numerous selections of other scrumptious dishes. Plus! my freebie!. May pinamigay pang pagkain ang office namin para sa lahat.

It was almost 12AM when I checked the time on the Avaya phone. Wala kong call. Kinakabahan nako. Eto na nga, nagkacall ako. Mexicana airlines. Buti na lang.

"Thank you for calling. My name is *******. How may I help you today?" Nag-opening spiel na nga ang lola nyo'.

Sumagot naman ang nasa kabilang linya. Can't even remember what the problem is pero ang natatandaan ko, babae ang nakausap ko.

"Merry Christmas!!!" May sumigaw sa kabilang spine ng mga stations. At nagpalakpakan ang mga tao sa paligid ko.

Leche, eto na nga. Sabi ko sa sarili ko.

Ok pako. Ok pako. Binati ako ng dalawang tao sa side ko. Niyakap pako nung isa. Bumati na rin ako ng 'Merry Christmas'. At hindi ko na nga po napigilan.

Nageexplain pa yung kausap ko sa kabilang linya. At habang nakamute ako, lumuluha na ang lola nyo' ng patago. Hindi ko kinekeri ang lungkot. Lumabas na nga yung pilit kong pagsusuppress sa kalungkutan kong hindi ko kasama ang pamilya ko.

Di-nrop ko yung call. Kahit makita pako ng QA. Kahit nagsasalita pa yung kausap ko.

Nagpalit ako ng status sa Avaya. Tumakbo ako ng CR. At dun ako nagiiyak ng bonggang bongga.

First time kong hindi kasama ang pamilya ko.First time kong hindi makakapagsimba sa church namin ng anticipated mass ng 24th. First time din ang noche buena namin na wala na si papa. At first time din silang magpapasko sa bahay na wala ako.

Nakakalungkot isipin. Kaya idinaan ko na lang sa iyak.

Pero hindi nagtagal ang session ko sa banyo. Bumalik na rin ako sa desk ko at itinuloy ang trabaho. Maya maya lang, nagtawag na yung iba na pwede nang kumain. Idinaan ko na lang ang frustrations ko sa pagiisip kung ano ang uunahin kong kainin.

Natapos rin ang buong gabi ko. Natapos ang pagdadalamhati ko at umuwi na rin ako samin.

Malungkot pa rin nga lang ng konti. Paskong pasko, walang handa. Naubos na daw kagabi. Wala rin kaming bisita. At ang pinakamasaklap dun, wala akong pera. Yung mga natitira kongn barya, ipinamigay ko pa sa mga namamasko.

Idinaan ko na lang sa tulog.

Bumawi ako nung kinagabihan, nagkayayaan na kami nina VG at HG na maginuman. Kahit papano, sumaya naman ang pasko ko. Nagdala din ng pizza ang jowa ng kapatid ko kaya kahit papaano, nairaos namin ang araw mismo ng Pasko.

Ang regret ko lang, feeling ko hindi ko naibigay ang lahat.

Wala akong pera. Walang pagkain sa bahay. Walang bisita.

Hindi Pasko ang itsura ng bahay namin nung gabing yun. Kung wala siguro kaming mga decors, malamang nagmukhang haunted house ang bahay namin.

Kaya ngayong Pasko, sinigurado ko ang lahat. Nakahanda na ang mga regalo. May extra pakong pera para sa mga mamamasko. At higit sa lahat, hindi ako magtitiis na magtrabaho sa office habang nagsasaya ang lahat sa labas.

Kaya, uuwi nako.

Magcecelebrate ako nang isang masaya at masaganang Pasko kasama ang pamilya ko.

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Isa pa,

Ako na lang ang tao dito sa office. At susunod nang uuwi yung mga guard dito samin para isara ang opisina namin at gumimik.

Merry Christmas everyone!



Love,


- chagadelic gurl -

Coffee with Chard

"Men propose marriage primarily because they want the physical, emotional and intellectual companionship of a woman. Men like company." - Lisa Daily from Lifewise.com

I just realized this morning that talking to men gets you the answers that you've always wanting to ask your guy.

And just early this morning, I've had a conversation with Chard, one of my officemates.

I went to the pantry area to get myself a cup of coffee. Naabutan kong nandun din si Chard and making himself a cup of coffee too. Niyaya niya akong sabayan siya.

I'm not used to staying longer minutes in the pantry since I have loads of work in the morning. I just usually get myself a cup of coffee then head back towards my desk. But this morning, Chard insisted me on joining him in the pantry area. So sige, I gave it a try.

Si Chard ang isa sa mga pinakakilala ng lahat. Bukod sa lagi siyang nasa guard's area, he really makes sure that he greets everybody a "good morning". And so far, I did not expected that talking to him this morning would ease my frustrations.

I poured hot water on my cup. Naupo ako sa isa sa mga chairs sa dining area sa pantry. Naupo naman siya sa harap ko.

Kwentuhan. Kwentuhan. Kwentuhan.

Nauwi ang usapan sa rEl@sYoN...

Naikwento niya sakin ang karanasan niya sa mga nakarelasyon niya. Sa mga naging girlfriend niyang niloko niya, sa mga naging girlfriend niyang minahal niya, at sa mga naging girlfriend niyang hindi niya maintindihan kung paanong naging sila. Naikwento niya rin sakin ang pagiging tatay niya sa isang batang nagmula sa babaeng hindi naman niya talaga karelasyon. At dahil diyan, napakwento na rin ako.

Naikwento ko ang tungkol sa Ex ko. Naikwento ko ang tungkol sa kung papaano kaming naghiwalay. Naikwento kong ikakasal na ang ex ko. At a short period of time, ikakasal na siya. And I'm a bit bothered about it.

"Wala naman talaga akong pakeelam kung ikakasal na siya. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit apektado pa rin ako ah hindi ko naman na siya mahal." I told him.

"Sabi pa ng bestfriends ko, possible din daw na kaya siya ikakasal eh dahil may nangyari. Within a span of a year, they decided to get married. Masyadong mabilis." I added.

Sumagot naman si Chard. "Possible ngang may dahilan. Dalawang bagay lang yan. It's either nabuntis niya yung girl, o di kaya, naisip niyang ayaw niyang mangyari sa kanya ang ginawa niya sayo. Kasi kung gawain niya, talagang matatakot siya sa karma. Natatakot siyang iwan din siya ng biglaan kasi gawain niya. Kaya feeling ko, kaya siya nagdecide magpakasal dun sa girl eh para mai-secure na yung gurl. Kumbaga, mawawalan na siya ng rights na manlalaki kasi kasal na. Gusto nitong lalaki ng security kasi palibhasa, gawain niyang mangiwan. Ayaw din niyang iwanan siya."

Somehow, mejo nabawasan ang tanong ko about my ex. But I'm still bothered.

Medyo sinermonan pako ni Chard, "Wag mo na dapat pang problemahin kung masaya sila o hindi. Ang importante, dapat ikaw ang masaya."

I breathed deeply.

Maiksi lang ang pagtambay ko sa pantry with Chard. But it sort of lessen up my frustrations. Kahit papano kasi, kahit hindi masyadong malinaw, nasagot ang mga tanong ko on my why the heck is my Ex getting married.

I guess about my Ex, who left me because of another girl whom he just met in the chatroom, I am frustrated that he left me a year ago and chose not to communicate and end things up in a well manner. But I'm also glad that he left me because if he didn't, I would realize how wonderful life is around me.

And that he was just another guy, came into my life and taught me lessons.

Even if he is indeed a big effin pervert and a major jerk, I guess once in our lives we get to meet people like this. They will either ruin you or make you stronger. In my case, It made me stronger. And with all the hurt and the pain he left me, I still am thankful and grateful that at some point in my life, fate had to remind me to grow up.

Do I still love my ex?

No not anymore. In fact, I wish him the happiness that he deserves. I already am happy with myself and I'll get more happiness with my present life and loving relationships.

As of the present time, I know that he is getting married anytime soon.

And I guess, kung tama nga ang assumption ni Chard. Then possibly, he doesn't know what he's doing. He just simply wanted to have someone by his side and lock her up to himself. But it isn't all about because he wanted to build a family with her, or to grow old with her. It is just all about being secured that someone is stuck in his life. But if things do not go his way, he will probably look for another wife. And this girl he's marrying, she definitely will be devastated.

I believe that marriage is more than just sex, or love, or companionship. Like what Shyder has always been telling me, it is all about maturity. It is all about accepting the next phase of life: building your own family with kids, a home and providing them with their needs. It isn't about just the two of you alone. Its more complex than just securing someone in your life.

Marriage means that you also have to accept him in his entirety. No matter how stupid he gets. No matter how incapable he is in maintaining a well-cleaned home. And no matter how idiotic life would be with him. You have to remember, you married him. And again, marrying someone doesn't him you're just marrying his personality. It meant marrying his humanity.

Oh well, I guess Chard really impacted my day.



- chagadelic gurl -

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

"But there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay where they are. Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough. " - Patti Smith

I'm gonna tell a story.

Mababaw lang. Hindi masyadong detalyado. Kaya ko lang naisipang isulat ay dahil sa curiosity kong malaman ang kasagutan sa sitwasyon na ito.

Kasi mahirap. Kahit ako hindi ko alam ang sagot. First time kong mailagay ang sarili ko sa ganitong sitwasyon.

To start off, there is this guy na matagal na niyang kakilala. But the meet up was not the usual friendship na nakasama mo sa school project or nakilala mo sa office nyo'.

She met him through an online chat. They met up, gone to dates and even done pretty little things na unusual sa mag-kaibigan lang. But she was fine with it. He was too. Both of them weren't committed.

It was a fine friendship. Kung minsan may kulitan. Kung minsan may asaran. At kung minsan may dramahan. It involved feelings. It envolved emotions for both of them. But there was no strings attached.

He longed for her everyday. She longed for him everyday too. Nagumpisa sa casual na relationship. Hanggang sa mauwi sa development involving attraction and love.

She didn't expected for it to happen. He didn't too.

They just went all the way until they found themselves attached to each other.

For less than year, they went out on dates. Met up at the mall, watch movies and kiss before the day ends. There was no formal relationship. It was just friendship. He is single. She is too.

Though, within the same year, despite of seeing each other, they still had casual dates outside of their friendship. But the communication is always there and it was fine. He didn't had a problem going out with friends and work but still communicate with her. She is too. She was able to manage her self with the other parts of her life such as work, girl friends and her self.

Until such time that she thought of clarifying her position in his life. She wanted to know why he still hasn't popped the question. "Can we be together?"

They were fine together. They jive really well. They have a lot of things in common and they both enjoy each other's company. He is single. She is too. With all the feelings they have for each other, why isn't he asking her to be with him... to be his girlfriend?

"I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side. I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door."

She asked him.

He told her that he can't commit.

She wondered why and asked him the reason.

He couldn't tell her.

She asked him again.

He told her to go. Find someone else better that him. He told her that she has a life... that they aren't meant for each other.

She tried to understand him but he kept shoving her away. She chose to move one.

Until one day, he came back. He consoled her. She listened and kept him back. They were fine again. But the answer as to why they can't have a relationship is still there.

The special friendship went on again. They kep seeing each other. They kept communicating and gone to dates. But in her mind, she kept asking why.

She finally had the courage to ask him. But before that was an intense scenario. They made love with each other. He expressed to him how he feels and she gave herself whole heartedly. After what happened to them, she had no regrets. She admitted, she loves him.

She asked her if he loved her. He answered the question as to why they couldn't be together.

"Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change."

He already has a girlfriend. They've been together for eight years now and eh couldn't leave her because she was always trying to kill herself. He desired to be free. But he couldn't take it into his conscience that he will be happy and she will keep killing herself because he left her.

He wanted a peaceful exit. But he coudn't do it yet. He wanted to give this new girl a good start without having to look back. Without people trying to intrude their happy life together.

He just couldn't do it yet.

She just had to cry. She cried every night thinking about it. She wanted him so much. She loves him so much. She believes that no other man can ever take his place. It's just that why can't they be together.

She knew that he loves her too. But like before, all he ever says is move on. "Live your life outside this relationship. You're smart, you're pretty, you don't deserve to be treated this way."

She took his advice. But she couldn't deny that she loves him so much. She wanted him so much that she could kneel down in prayers all day just so they could be together.

But things had to fixed yet. And the only question is... is it still worthy to wait? ... when you're not sure of what you're waiting for?

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Mega english ako.

Hindi pa naman dumudugo ang ilong ko.

Pero yun ang question.

I talked to some of my friends about it. Guy friends that is. They told me:

"It isn't all about love. Kahit mahal mo siya, kung gago naman ang pagtrato niya sayo. Walang sense. Simpleng relasyon, hindi niya maibigay. Anong sense na magstay ka?."

Another friend told me.

"Kung worthy maghintay, depende. Sometimes, Ok din ang maghintay. pero dapat alamin mo kung hanggang kelan ka lang maghihintay."

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Kayo, ano sa palagay nyo?



- chagadelic gurl -





- Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough Mp3