2008 to 2009 Continuosly Living

Turning Point

Sunday, September 20th, 2009
For the past years, I believe i’ve already told everyone about the story of my life. From the very first man that I loved, to the very last man I had been with. And, I don’t know.. siguro sobrang OA na yung mga kwento ko lately.

Sigh! I guess there is just this reality that one person was born wishing to have somebody to love and yet, in the end, they won’t be getting want they want after all. With the many laughters and tears that you’ve exhausted to lend on this one relationship, you’ll realize that it’s just really not for you afterall.

And now, I woke u again to the reality that no one is around for me again. With JM, I just got so tired. I just did. Sa lahat lahat ng ginawa ko, sa lahat lahat ng sacrifices, dito lang mauuwi ang lahat. Realizing that both of you just wouldn’t work at all. No matter ow you tried to.

What happened. Napagod ako. With all the cheating and all the treatment that he did, ewan ko na. Hindi ko na nga masabi kung hanggang saan ko pa rin kayang magtiis in the near future. Simple lang naman ang hiling ko eh, yung sana.. ako lang. Sana kami na lang ni Micah at walang ng ibang babae. Pero, ewan ko ba bakit ang hirap gawin sa part niya? Dahilan ba talaga yun na naiherit mo lang sa mga kamag-anak mo? It sucks. It really sucks.

The last time we talked about it, i told him to make a choice: it’s either he chooses me, but will have to change himself and NEVER EVER do any cheating again; or he will have to choose the life of being alone. In this case, pag pinili niya na hindi niya kayang iwanan ang buhay niya puro iba’t ibang babae lang ang kasiyahan niya. By all means, I’ll set him free. I don’t want to risk my entire life and my kid’s life just because he’s the father of my kid.

Sinabi ko sa kanya dati, hindi ako mahirap kausap. If being with other women will make him happier, who am I to get in the way. In the first lace, kung hindi na siya masaya sakin, bakit ko kailangang ipilit ang sarili ko.
I talked to a male officemate a few weeks ago. Sabi niya, once daw na ang lalaki, sinabi na “pipilitin kong magbago”, it only means that definitely, there are lots of chances na gagawin niya ulit yung bagay na ginawa niya. He said that men commits when they are sure, and knowing this fact that he will only try to change.. wala na raw pag-asa magbago. This is where i lost hope. That siguro nga, kung ngayon pwede niyang sabihing hindi na niya gagawin.. what if in the near future? Kung kelan kasal na kami? Ilang beses kaya niyang gagawin sakin yun.

I don’t want my kid to grow and see his parents arguing all the time dahil sa ibang babae. If this is where he sees himself to be happy, I’ll set him free.

All I want him to do is to just love us, his family, including my mom and my sibs. Why can’t he just do it?  I kept on asking the same question pero it all falls down to the fact that you can’t change people. And ganun na siya eh, hindi siya masaya na ako lang. I bet that he’s even doing it right now with 3 or 4 four different girls at the same time. And I realized I just can’t let him do this to me anymore. I was raised by my parents in a good way. I finished my degree with achievements at hand and now, some people look up to me at work. I realized I can’t let this one person waste my emotions and exhaust me. I love him but I’m tired.

For the past years that we’ve been together, this was  the only time that I had the courage to push him back. This was the only time that I had to courage na aminin sa sarili kong nasaktan ako at kahit mahal ko siya kailangan ko ring mahalin ang sarili ko. Still, I am not closing doors for him. I still left it open though right now, I took some time off to think. At the same time, binibigay ko rin sa kanya tong pagkakataon na to para magisip. Maybe, at some point of time, results may come. Whether he choses me or he choses to stay the way he is, at least, I will know how to stop and make it through the end na hindi bitter.

Tuna Takes Away the Bitterness - Edited

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
I know you wonder why I have the edited version of this blog while I don’t have the original version. It’s because I realized that what the first blog mostly contained would hurt the one to whom it was meant for.
I could be kind enough to even think about what he will feel if ever he reads the blog, but you know, I just kinda realized that maybe it wouldn’t help at all if I showered him with all the painful memories that we’ve had. Mom told me to do so. It was a big help.

Well, i’ve sort of been thinking lately.. And I realized, of course how hurtful it was to both of us. Ewan ko kung nasaktan nga siya sa mga nangyayari. Maybe he liked it for himself but to me it hurts a lot. Kasi it felt like nothing is binding us both. Para lang kaming magboyfriend - girlfriend who, after realizing were not meant for each other, just waves goodbye and ends it all up.

Madali nga lang sana kung ganon’. Well, I’m a lot better now. But I could’ve take this more positively if we don’t have a kid. Kaso, meron eh. It’s not just him and I who are involved in this relationship but also the kid. Though he says that he will still be here for his daughter, iba pa rin yun. He doesn’t understand the difference between having a legal parents than just having your dad dropping by and taking you off somewhere.
It’s still different. Kahit may sustento pa. It’s still gonna be different and JM is not aware of that.

Somehow, natatakot ako that there is a big possibility that he won’t be coming back anymore as a father and a hopeful husband to me. Natatakot ako that he won’t be realizing that he needs his family and his family needs him as well. Natatakot ako na baka on the way that he was exploring himself, makapagenjoy na siya totally and finds someone who could replace the love that he once had from me.
It’s all gonna be a lot painful. I hope I could be ready.

You see, I was the first one who thought that living together and being together is a bad idea. Ayun, I can’t beleive I was right. This is what the results are. Instead of staying with us, he left. Enjoying his life.
Oo, aaminin ko. I’m furious. I’m mad. And I may even wanted to slice off his head for hurting me. Pero, this, I can’t control anymore. Kahit masakit, it’ll all be depending on his own choices. If he finds out to himself that we’re both valuable to him, then it’s good because it’s gonna be forever. However, if he finds out that he wants to be just the way he is when I haven’t been in his life, then it’s time to accept the fact, it’s just not the two of us.

Anyway, I could say that I’m still gonna be OK even if were apart. Because if I’m not, I could’ve been crying all day and whinning up for him makinng such a big mistake of letting me go. Kaso, hindi nga eh. I was hurt, Oo. Pero acceptable pa naman and maybe this is also the time for me to experience a lot of things I missed doing just to be with him.

I actually have plans. I know he’ll be off to school finishing off his degree while I’ll be at work. Meeting new people. Exploring the single life. Maybe even date some other guys who will be interested in knowing me as well. I could even take some time off and pamper myself since I have the money to do that.

Actually, I have a lot of opportunities to welcome since the doors are very much open for me. It hurts a lot losing him but I think he’s a bit right for doing that. Maybe I haven’t realized that yet but I think it’ll result to a positive outcome. It’s either we will both be realizing if we really are meant for each other or someone else will love us better. Ewan ko, I don’t really hope to find that one soon or in any time to come. Pero if it’s for the best, then we should just go with God’s plans. He knows better than I am anyway.

Pero, hindi ko maidedeny. I still want him back. And probably, if I’ll get married, kahit ganun siya.. kahit na may pagkagago siya and he’s such a big pain, I’d still want it to be him. Hindi ko yun ginugusto dahil gustong gusto ko pa siya kundi para na lang sa baby ko. Sa baby namin.

Matagal ko ng sinasabi sa kanya yun, my only happiness is to see my own family happy. Yung buo ang family ko na matatawag ko talagang akin. A husband and a kid of my own. Yun lang ang magpapasaya sakin and I could say that I’ve already fulfilled the biggest dream of my life. Just having my own family including him and our kid.

Kaso nga, things had to go this way. I don’t know what God’s plans are but I’m sure it’s for the best kahit na hessitant ako. Still, I wish for JM, wherever he is, na sana Ok pa rin siya. Sana marealize pa rin niya that he has a family to us. Kung minsan, he feels like his mom wanted to throw him away.. pero what he doesn’t realize is that we’ve accepted him for who he is even without him telling the truth about his life. Tinanggap namin siya ng buong buo.. lalo nako, kahit may doubt ako dati, tinanggap ko siya.. At hindi umabot sa isip ko na maghihiwalay pala talaga kami.

Still, even at the point of us separating, andito pa rin ako sa kanya. Even though he has hurted me for the millionth time, wala pa rin akong iniisip kundi yung welfare niya. Sana mapabuti siya and all that. Unconditional love? Maybe.. Kahit nasaktan ako, tuloy pa rin. At tuloy pa rin ang life ko kahit wala na kami. It isn’t like I’m gonna die anyway. I’m Ok. I’m gonna be Ok. I hope he is too.

So anong relasyon nito ngayon sa tuna? Kasi pag nagiinuman kami ng friends ko, we always have this tuna with crushed flakes beside us. May halong vinegar yun and whenever you drink a bottle of beer, then you take a spoonful of it, nagcocontrast yung taste ng bitterness and the sour taste. Sooner, natatalo ng vinegar yung pait ng alak.

Parang ganun din ang ibig ko sabihin. Sometimes you have to get over that sour taste to take that bitterness away, which drives you to stop drinking. May paraan. And probably it’s facing the reality that I was hurt and then I’ll move on.

Still, I pray.

The 2nd time Fool

Sunday, March 15th, 2009
If you will run through my blogs, you’ll see in some of my posts that I have been writing about a guy from my past. A guy who I used to love when I was a bit younger; A guy who received my 100 percent love and even more!

Back then, I had so much pain. I did all my best to move on  and just to forget about what have had. Sobrang napagod ako. Sobrang iniiyak ko to. Lahat na ginawa ko para lang makamove on, even to the extent of leaving my previous school just to start a new life. I wanted to forget about him and all the things that we have done in the past. Nagawa ko naman eh. Kaso, bumalik na naman siya…

Just last year, nagkita kami ulit. Ayun, kumustahan.. Chit Chat and all that. Boyfriend ko pa lang nun si JM and as he updated me, he told me that he was, at the time, courting Shahani, his long time crush.
Mahal ko pa siya nun, and because I’m with Jm, I try to suppress the feelings. I was waiting for him all this time, kaso nalaman ko ngang nililigawan na niya si Shahani. It was one of his biggest dreams in life, to have Shahani.. Kaya naisip ko nun, maybe I really wasn’t waiting for anyone. Baka niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko and maybe just pursue kung sino yung nandyan para sakin.

Until, we had the chance to talk again and nabalitaan ko nga, she dismissed him. Ewan ko, pero sa totoo lang, I cannot say that I was happy dahil nabasted siya. She was his long time crush and the girl of his dreams. Kaya para sakin, I’d be happy to see him na finally, matupad yung mga gusto niya. Kaso nga, nabasted siya and until today, he still single.

I got pregnant. Lived with my partner and gave birth to my baby Kiersten. Nung malaman niya yun, never na siya nagparamdam. Totally, nakalimutan ko na din siya eh. Contented nako sa life ko, a mom, a future wife, a career woman, a student.. sobrang busy ko na nga with my own life eh.
Until he came back.

Sa palagay ko, hindi ko na kailangang ikwento kung ano pa ang mga napagusapan namin from the point that he came back today. But the point is, he came back.. and it was too late already.

Ngayon, natigil na ulit ang communication namin dahil umiiwas na siya. Minsan para nga akong bangag because I was the one who looking forward to see him. Ewan ko, siguro kasi namiss ko din siya. As I’ve told you, I only had to suppress the feelings pero it doesn’t mean that it disappeared at all.

Alam ko, itinatama lang niya lahat ng bagay. But, meron lang akong isang sama ng loob: he came back.. and then he runaway from me… Again!

Ok nako eh. Masaya nako sa buhay ko kahit paminsan minsan, nagaaway kami ni JM. Kahit masungit siya, kahit maldito siya, kahit strict siya at kahit mataray siya, kaya ko naman siyang pakisamahan eh. I love Jm. Now more than my life. Pero heto siya, ang lalaking tumakbo at iniwan ako dati ng walang pasabi.. walang clear explanation.. walang clarification… walang maayos na paalam.. wala, he just runaway.. ngayon ang rason niya, Kasi ito ang tama!..

Damn it! yun na nga eh.. ginawa na niya dati sakin yung which is the reason why I was really hurt and had the hardest time to move on. Ngayon, bumalik siya ulit. He had thrown me his promising words again. He confused my heart and even told me that he still loves me. Tapos nun, he runaway again! Umalis na lang basta, pagkatapos siyang manggulo sa feelings ko, bigla na lang siya umalis.. Hindi na nagparamdam.. Walang clarification.. Walang justification… Na naman..

And just yesterday, I realized that I was the 2nd time fool. Hindi ko alam sa sarili ko ung bakit pinapayagan ko pang mangyari to. I was being unfair to JM already. Kapag nag-aaway kami, ako ang pinakamapride at hindi ko talaga siya kakausapin. Pero sa taong toh, I tend to forget my pride. Kahit magmukha akong tanga at desperada, kinakalimutan ko yun basta makapagusap lang kami.. I was being unfair that I can’t treat my future husband the right way while I exert my efforts to this one person na pilit naman akong tinuturn down.
I don’t understand why  I feel this way. But all I know is nagiging unfair ako. And that he doesn’t realize how willing I am to fight for this feelings. At yun pa rin ang ginawa niya. He left. Some coward guy who couldn’t even stand up against his emotions.

Siguro nga ito yung reason kung bakit hindi kami nagkatuluyan. Kasi weak siya masyado pagdating sa emotions. Lahat na lang big deal. Lahat na lang kailangang damdamin. Yun lang hindi ko siya kinakausap for a few seconds pinapansin pa talaga. I am weak already and this maybe one of the reasons why were not together today.

Siguro kung siya ang naging daddy ng baby ko, malamang tinakbuhan na din niya ko. Why? Because he was too afraid to show his emotions. He was too afraid to face this kind of situations. Kasi natatakot siya. Mahina ang emotions niya. Not man enough to stand up for the person he loves. And proven enough, that all this time.. he was selfish. He can’t even sacrifice a thing for other people. Kapag tinetext ko nga yun, he can’t even spend his one peso just to reply samantalang ako, nagpapaload pa talaga ko para lang magkausap kami. And as compared to JM, walang wala talaga siya.

Jm sacrificed a lot for me. To the point na kailangang tumigil siya sa pag-aaral para lang mapa-aral ako at makapagprovide ng para sa baby namin. He even gave all his savings nung once na ma-ospital ako due to my gall stones. Kapag kumakain kami, inuuna niya ko. Mawalan na siya ng project, magkaroon lang ako. Mapagod na siya at lahat, maihatid lang ako mula Manila to Laguna. And to enumerate every sacrifices he did, maybe i’ll run out of space to write.

Samantalang siya, he was too afraid to take risks. He was too afraid to fight for his feelings. He sacrificed me. Tapos ngayon babalik siya para manggulo and then leaves after he gets what he wants.

Buti na lang hindi siya ang nakatuluyan ko. God knows everything. Kaya pala hindi kami dahil may nakalaan na mas better para sakin. I never needed a boy who thinks he can. I needed a man, a real man who will stand up for me and will be willing to fight for me even if he loses his everything. And God gave it to me, JM, such a real man.

Hindi ko sinasabing sobrang perpekto ko na. At hindi ko rin sinasabi na fully may sense ang blog kong toh. I’m just saying these things because I just realized, I can’t be the 2nd time fool again. And maybe, if this is happening to you, maybe you should also start realizing..

Truth over an issue

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008
Its been a while since I last subscribed into my own blog.

I’ve been quite busy with school and the activities under the courses that I’m currently taking. Sobrang dami kasi ng mga productions. Halos every week iba ibang productions ang ginagawa namin and the hardest part on it takes place during bleedy brainstorming and planning.. Worst pa nito, I am always elected as the director or the leader of the group.

Ok din sana yun kasi sobrang dami kong natututunan. Ako pa ang laging napapagalitan ni favorite production prof.


And what makes my work harder is the "thing" that i’m carrying.

Gusto kong isisi lahat kay JM dahil nagpabaya din siya. Gusto ko siyang sisihin sa lahat ng mga nangyari saming dalawa. Gusto ko siyang sisihin sa pagwawalang-bahala niya lagi sa case naming dalawa. Gusto ko isisi lahat sa kanya. And to tell you the truth, I hate him a lot.

I don’t know why I even allowed myself to go over this and now I don’t have a choice but to spend the rest of my life with him na sa totoo lang eh ayokong mangyari.

Yes, I loved him. Pero this isn’t what I intend that we’ll end up with. I never wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I never wanted to be his wife. I never wanted to raise a kid and have himas a father. Unfair kung titignan kasi he did everything for me to the point that he almost gave his life for this.

But it’s sad to admit the truth that I’m not happy anymore.

I want to do other things outside this fancy world of togetherness. I want to fulfill other things rather than just stare at him at the morning and ask him if he slept well. And then you’ll just get an answer that you regret that you asked a question.

I want to do things on my own without him telling me to do this or to do that. I want to do things without someone yelling me infront of my ear how bad things are going to get me. I want to explore meeting other people and talking to them. I want to be part of organizations where I can use more talents and knowledge.
And now I’m tired.

I’m tired of listening to him. I’m tired of extending my patience on how he acts inside our room. I’m tired of waiting for him at the middle of the night and he doesn’t even bother to call. I’m tired of receiving his daily sermons. I’m tired of someone telling me how I should act or how I should think.

In the first place, I never needed a better half. Not even having a new one or dwell back to someone from my past.

No Thanks! I don’t want a new headache.

Because I myself is whole enough for me to do things on my own. I never needed anyone caring so much about me that he overdoes everything and in the end, he abuses me. I want to live on my own and do things on my own.

That’s the saddest truth over the issues you hear.

Despite the goodness of the relationship, I’m still getting tired about it. Despite the goodness of the companionship and the wonders of falling in love, I still wanted a space on my own where I can truly speak my mind.

That is all the same reason why I don’t want to be married to JM.

I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to change my surname. I don’t want to wear a ring on my left ringfinger. I don’t want to be stuck to this one person alone and spend the rest of my life with his stupidness. I don’t want this life and I have no choice. I have no choice. I have no choice. I have no choice. And the thing repeats itself all over inside my head..

I have no choice. I have to get married. I have to abide his superiority. I have to live with his imperfections.
Sa totoo lang, hindi nako makahinga. Hindi nako makapagisip ng para sa sarili ko dahil may iba nakong iniisip. And I guess that’s one of the responsibilities under the graces of getting tied up. At ayoko nito!
JM is good man. I could always say that all he ever cares about is everything concerning my welfare. He is even willing to sacrifice things for me. He loves me and I can see that. But this isn’t what I wanted for both of us.. not right now.

Siguro nga dahil sa hindi siya ang "man of my dreams". And from him, I can still see a lot of imperfections that maybe hinders me to regret where I am today. I know naman na wala talagang perpektong tao at hindi ko hinhiling na maging ganun siya. Siguro lang napapagod ako sa thought na lagi dapat akong magbigay para sa kanya. Napapagod ako sa thought na kailangan ko laging sumunod sa mga sinasabi niya..

I’m getting tired of everything. I don’t want to be stuck up with him. I don’t have a choice. Everything has to happen because of the "thing" that binds us together. I don’t want all of this but I don’t have a choice. I don’t have a choice. Yun ang totoo. Ayoko na.

I still have my own dreams. I still have my own choices. I still have my own thoughts and beliefs and dahil sa kasama ko siya, I’m starting to feel that I don’t have the rights on my own opinion. Lahat kinokontra niya. Lahat pinipilit nyang baguhin sakin. Lahat ng maramdaman ko, maisip ko, mga ideas ko, lahat dapat dumadaan sa kanya. Wala nakong karapatang magdesisyon para sa sarili ko kasi we’re supposed to be together all the time. Wala nakong karapatang magsalita ng sarili kong opinyon. At wala nakong kalayaang gawin ang gusto ko.

But If hindi ko naman siya susundin, parang napakawala ko na ring kwenta because I’m supposed to be under him. And again, I don’t want this kind of life!

I wish.. There could be ways to turn back time.

When I haven’t met JM yet and I only live for myself.

I want some freedom.

And yet, despite everything, I need him and I can’t just let him get out of my life.

I wish I could breathe. I can only wish.. but these things would never come true anymore.

A Friendly Letter

Saturday, January 19th, 2008
This Blog is dedicated to a Friend, who has been very confused and needs a lot of realization to think about.. Jeanal Cordero.

Do you remember the first times that we’ve met??

That little girl wering glsses that covers most of her face..

Ever since then, I’ve known who you were..

Sweet n’ nice, that you don’t even have time to be angered and make sad faces..

I’ve already seen your growth, how you had first crushes and all that..

We’ve been friends ever since the world hasn’t been yet talking to us.. nd you know yourself what things we had been through..and right now, wht I’m trying to say is make up your mind.. ang ganda ng pangarap sayo ng magulang mo.. ikaw lang ang pag-asaa ng papa mo.. wg mong sisirin ang mgagandng plano nila para sayo dahil sa mga maling desisyon.. in a few months u’ll finally get over ur studies..konti na lang bakla..

Don’t whine up and wasteyour time longing for someone who just fooled you out all the time.. Ok lang magkaboyfriend eh.. pero pipili ka ng alam mong di ka sasaktan at aalagaan ka..

You knew how much care we’d offered for you as your friends.. ikaw ang bunso ng barkada bakla,, do you remember how we get so mad with people who destroy your serenity?

Ganun kami kconcern syo, maganda ang buhay..masaya ang makita ang sarili mong napapasaya ang magulang mo..masaya yung kontento ka sa sarili mo at yung feeling na hindi mo kailangan ng masasandalan.. I tell you, you cannot love someone unless you haven’t known loving yourself..

Educted kang tao, finishing off BS Nursing.. and love? It doesn’t show with how much you give off sweetness or how long you spend time.. it’s all about accepting someone despite of his weaknesses..

I don’t hate your past, I don’t hate the people who made you cry..what I don’t like is that you keep yourself bothered with things and people who have let you down..

Life doesn’t stop when you fall down, it’s growing up..it’s looking forward and making it up to the end. Throw up the bitterness and make up your mind.

Kung wala akong kwentang kaibigan,I’d tell you to go for it kahit mukha ka nang tanga.. I’d tell you to go after your feelings kahit na mali na..

When I made mistakes for myself, I told you not to do what I did. When you have chosen that person to be a part of your life, I was shocked not because of the person but because of the complicated situation.

I knew this will happen in the end, but I let go you through it so you will know how it feels and you’ll learn the lesson yourself.

Gurl, tama na, OK? Move on.. Di ka mauubusan ng guys, andami mo pang makikilala.. Isipin mo n lng yung perang iniinvest sayo ng parents mo to grow up in a good way..

Di ka ganyan, di k malditah.. never kang naging bitter.. it’s just love.. it doesn’t suck, and emotions could burst out if you always wanted to.. it’s just a matter of acceptance and forgiveness.

Nobody could tell you to stop your tears, eat "tokwa" when you don’t eat it, or never comment on someone when you see them wearing the wrong kind of outfit in the church.

You’re human! If you don’t cry, you’re fooling yourself in the long run.. You have your own preferences and you can choose not to do things if you don’t want to do it.

When you commit to someone, you don’t let him change the things in yourself. World doesn’t revolve around that one single person because you know how blessed you are.

You still have a long way to run, and tears would never run out of your eyes unless you die. Only, you should know how to defend yourself when things go wrong and people hurt you..

Now,if you think my messages are too offensive and too straightforward and you’re trying to protect his feelings again.. bahala ka kung buburahin mo lahat to, but once you did, forget about our FRIENDSHIP and go for him.. delete everything I posted and forget that I ever existed in your life..

I am not being selfish nd I don’t make you choose between me or him, pero.. do I have to make long comments about this issue for you to realize the importance of our friendship??

I know, this is not an issue of us being bestfriends but I’m just doing my job to protect you at all cost.. if you think I suck on that, then might as well do whatever "he" says to you..

Go ahead and be with him, and forget about me.."tintin" as your bestfriend..

It’s your choice now, to delete everything or not..